Jag vet att du ljuger för hela vinden luktar mig

 
 
 
 
 

Lockarna sträcker sig mot molnen när vindpusten sveper förbi. På bron ovanför rälsen. Rälsen med vagnarna som fraktar det rykande stålet. Det ser alltid ut som att jag gråter när det blåser säger jag tyst och stryker försiktigt pekfingret under ögonfransarna. Jag är sotig runt ögonen med porer som ångas. Hjärnan är lika dimmig som den solstänkta fjärden efter nattskiften.

 

Jag vrider försiktigt på huvudet och ler, ler med utmattade mjuka ögon och ett hjärta lika varmt som järnet. Ett hjärta som brinner. Ett hjärta som brinner likt en eld, stänker och gnistrar likt stjärnorna på himlen.

 

Och jag säger inte hejdå, för du tände min eld.

 

 

 


There is no certainty, not even your next breath. Live like you are dieing because in reality we all are.

 
 

Clenching my fingers through the grass. Every little straw clinging together in their watercoated blades. Whispering to let go.

 

The hood is falling down, covering my eyes over and over again. Releasing the grasp, stroking the curls behind my ears while it's getting stuck around my wet shivery fingers. The rain is tickeling down on my face and through the eyelashes. Leaving black marks on my skin.

 

Folding up my eyelids. It could been tears I tell myself while I'm slowly laying down. It could have been tears because you were my everything on earth. It could have been tears because you were my best friend. It could have been tears because I love you more than the sun. But I don't cry.

 

 




Confined in mountain halls we got too close to the flame

 
 
 
 
It was you. That was the answer for the pain. It wasn't the action. It wasn't the uncared egoistic move. It wasn't the disgust for you. It wasn't the disappointment. It wasn't the sadness. It wasn't what you did. What you did, to me. That wasn't what caused tha pain and shaking limbs. The heartache and numbness at the same time. It wasn't that, at all. None of it would have mattered. If it wasn't because you were the one who did it. The one I could trust.
 
 

Fine layered beside the unique snow flakes

 
 
 


The sun is landing, slowly terminating the day by closing up to the horizon. Tiny birds are chirping, stretching their wings from branch to branch. The green grass are timorously breaking through the sheltering earth. The soft soil that have protected mother earth through the winter, fine layered beside the unique snow flakes.

 

I'm watching the stone, your stone. The contrived stone with your name carved on while I'm held. My eyes are watered. I love you, you're whispering. And I'm shivering through my spine. Shivering with a rush of melancholic sadness and absence. Shivering of pain and weak knees, falling in your arms.

 

I love you too, in heaven. In earth. In sky. In universe. Repeating over and over in my head -I love you too. And I stop shivering, my body turns into the softest cotton. Breathing in and filling my lungs through every alveoli. And I know.....

 

....you are here, right here. With me.

 

 

 


Emotional for my cold steel heart

 
 
 
 
 

The ice is crackling under my feet. The sun facing my cheeks. The wind swirling my golden hair. And I close my eyes, inhaling the crisp air with a determined force. Dilating my lungs. Expanding my chest. Bending my shoulders back. Pulling my chin up. And exhaling my words

 

I have been here before. I have felt this moment before. The radiation of peace from my central core. The pleased feeling in this instant. Growing into the shared mother nature where we all are connected.

 

I am home

 

 

 


Are you scared babe?



 
 

Are you scared babe? Your voice is harsh, almost commanding me between your lips formed in a contempt smile. Chuckling briefly. My vision is blurred, resting on your feet. Feeling how you lift your hand in the peripheri, heading against my face. I close my eyes.

Like an electric shock you stroke my cheek, following the contours of my face. I keep my eyes closed. Hearing my heartbeat in my ears. Breathing like a marathon runner.

Are you scared? You ask again.

I fill my lungs with a deep breath which feels like eternity. Sliding up my eyelids. Facing his glance. Penetrating his iris with my hunter eyes.

Am I scared? I ask him intrusively. Stepping way too close which makes him take one step backwards with wandering eyes.

No. Nothing frightens me. I'm a lion.




it's the chapel of love

 
 
 
 
 
Closing my eyes. And there you are. Laying your palm on my forehead. Smiling with eyes made of truth and purity. With a touch of love and sincerity. I can hear your deep breathings, inhaling toxins and exhaling life. Inhaling life and exhaling love. My love for you...is all. And you were always there. It was no need to find it, fight it or travel to it. It was always there in the hands of love. Waiting with the key to life. And I'm there now, accepting it in gratefulness. Thank you.
 
 

It's written in the smoke

 
 
 
I'm swirling around your neck. Touching your skin softly like the sunrays. You can feel me embracing you like the heated ocean. Don't be scared I whisper. I will always be here, wrapping you up with love. Maybe you can't grab me, maybe you can't literally touch me. But I will be there. Loving you. Eternally. 
 
 

I promise with my heart

 
 
I feel you now. I see you. Hear you. Smell you. Taste you. I do it in a different light now because I accept you for who you are. I love you for who you are. I am a part of you, entwined in your soul. A home which I accept for how it is, looking at the beating heart without judgement. Just with loving eyes and compassion in my soul. Because you are wonderful just the way you are, I promise. I promise with my heart.
 
 

Fibonacci

 
 
I love you. No I don't. I need you. No I don't. I fear you. No I don't. You are everywhere but at the same time nowhere. Who am I. Who are you. What is united, what is connected. What is separate, what is different. There's questions and sometimes answers. There's love and sometimes not. There's thoughts and sometimes solutions. I'm there but still not around. I'm free, I'm me. I'm love, I'm brave. I'm the answer to your question.
 
 
 

Det finns ingenting här

Den där luckan leder ingenstans ropar någon nere på djupet. Ta den andra. I förtvivlan rycker jag upp det ihoprostade handtaget. Det finns ingenting här skriker jag . Det finns ingenting här. Slår handen genom dörren. Tappar balansen. Ner i hålet. Ner i djupet. Håret tvinnar sig runt kvistarna och löven fastnar som fjärilar. Skälver som om de var på flykt mot större vidder. Snälla flyg mig iväg, snälla ta med mig. Dit.
 
 
 

Society. Where did it go.

Society. Where did it go. Where did it go lost. This world we have built, like an ego-burning pyramid. Where me and you, we stand there in the shallow water. With our legs sinking in the mud. Let us carry you. Let us change this, you and me together. The words are echoing but never landing. Who do we carry? Why do we build a planet on money. A shiny paper with colours and debt. Not depth. The profoundness we lost in the shallow paper. But the pyramid we built. On higher grounds.

 

I'm living on the edge of love and anger. Crawling back for pollutioned air. Swimming in brown wasted water. Can you see me, I whisper? Maybe my words aren't made of money and power. Maybe my being isn't perfect and loveble. Or maybe it's you, not being able to love what's beyond yourself.

 

 

 


we are strong in the crystallized forest

Flashing. I'm there alone under the tree. The silence embracing me, wrapping me up like a kid. You could be a wolf I say and look into your eyes. There were always a strength in your eyes. A strength of an older brother taking care of it's younger siblings. A strength I could trust.

 

I stroke your fur and told myself we can do this alone. We don't need no saving. We don't need no speaking. We don't need no help. We are strong in the crystallized forest.

 

It all changed. Your steps ceased. Your hind legs became paralyzed. I became paralyzed. My heart became paralyzed. We all sank to the bottom of the deep ocean. And never found surface.

 

 

 

 


Death is so hilarious

 
 
So when you lie there in agony, do you think that is the thoughts in mind? Now everything will be fine, life is beautiful. Joking to myself. This is so hilarious. Pain is so hilarious. My thoughts are so hilarious. Death is so hilarious.

Actually it is. Could it be more fun? Griefing in 15 years. Crying at the thought of you. Ah the pain. The pain couldn't be more fun to look at from this distance. Because my body makes it self. How could that even happen. But does it even matter How, or why. No. It doesn't matter anymore. It's time to let it go.
 
 
 
 
 

I did wake up, but did I regret it

 

When you stop being cared but it still hurts and you want to let it go. Go away. Move. Fly away in the sky just like the birds.

 

Pretending I know how to move my wings. Fluttering quickly like a hummingbird. Glancing down -loosing my balance and presence. Breathing shallow in my upper lungs. Prepared to sink down like a bird shot in the head. Prepared to die.

 

 


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