Confined in mountain halls we got too close to the flame

It was you. That was the answer for the pain. It wasn't the action. It wasn't the uncared egoistic move. It wasn't the disgust for you. It wasn't the disappointment. It wasn't the sadness. It wasn't what you did. What you did, to me. That wasn't what caused tha pain and shaking limbs. The heartache and numbness at the same time. It wasn't that, at all. None of it would have mattered. If it wasn't because you were the one who did it. The one I could trust.

Fine layered beside the unique snow flakes


The sun is landing, slowly terminating the day by closing up to the horizon. Tiny birds are chirping, stretching their wings from branch to branch. The green grass are timorously breaking through the sheltering earth. The soft soil that have protected mother earth through the winter, fine layered beside the unique snow flakes.


I'm watching the stone, your stone. The contrived stone with your name carved on while I'm held. My eyes are watered. I love you, you're whispering. And I'm shivering through my spine. Shivering with a rush of melancholic sadness and absence. Shivering of pain and weak knees, falling in your arms.


I love you too, in heaven. In earth. In sky. In universe. Repeating over and over in my head -I love you too. And I stop shivering, my body turns into the softest cotton. Breathing in and filling my lungs through every alveoli. And I know..... are here, right here. With me.




Emotional for my cold steel heart


The ice is crackling under my feet. The sun facing my cheeks. The wind swirling my golden hair. And I close my eyes, inhaling the crisp air with a determined force. Dilating my lungs. Expanding my chest. Bending my shoulders back. Pulling my chin up. And exhaling my words


I have been here before. I have felt this moment before. The radiation of peace from my central core. The pleased feeling in this instant. Growing into the shared mother nature where we all are connected.


I am home




Are you scared babe?


Are you scared babe? Your voice is harsh, almost commanding me between your lips formed in a contempt smile. Chuckling briefly. My vision is blurred, resting on your feet. Feeling how you lift your hand in the peripheri, heading against my face. I close my eyes.

Like an electric shock you stroke my cheek, following the contours of my face. I keep my eyes closed. Hearing my heartbeat in my ears. Breathing like a marathon runner.

Are you scared? You ask again.

I fill my lungs with a deep breath which feels like eternity. Sliding up my eyelids. Facing his glance. Penetrating his iris with my hunter eyes.

Am I scared? I ask him intrusively. Stepping way too close which makes him take one step backwards with wandering eyes.

No. Nothing frightens me. I'm a lion.

it's the chapel of love

Closing my eyes. And there you are. Laying your palm on my forehead. Smiling with eyes made of truth and purity. With a touch of love and sincerity. I can hear your deep breathings, inhaling toxins and exhaling life. Inhaling life and exhaling love. My love for all. And you were always there. It was no need to find it, fight it or travel to it. It was always there in the hands of love. Waiting with the key to life. And I'm there now, accepting it in gratefulness. Thank you.

It's written in the smoke

I'm swirling around your neck. Touching your skin softly like the sunrays. You can feel me embracing you like the heated ocean. Don't be scared I whisper. I will always be here, wrapping you up with love. Maybe you can't grab me, maybe you can't literally touch me. But I will be there. Loving you. Eternally. 

I promise with my heart

I feel you now. I see you. Hear you. Smell you. Taste you. I do it in a different light now because I accept you for who you are. I love you for who you are. I am a part of you, entwined in your soul. A home which I accept for how it is, looking at the beating heart without judgement. Just with loving eyes and compassion in my soul. Because you are wonderful just the way you are, I promise. I promise with my heart.


I love you. No I don't. I need you. No I don't. I fear you. No I don't. You are everywhere but at the same time nowhere. Who am I. Who are you. What is united, what is connected. What is separate, what is different. There's questions and sometimes answers. There's love and sometimes not. There's thoughts and sometimes solutions. I'm there but still not around. I'm free, I'm me. I'm love, I'm brave. I'm the answer to your question.

Det finns ingenting här

Den där luckan leder ingenstans ropar någon nere på djupet. Ta den andra. I förtvivlan rycker jag upp det ihoprostade handtaget. Det finns ingenting här skriker jag . Det finns ingenting här. Slår handen genom dörren. Tappar balansen. Ner i hålet. Ner i djupet. Håret tvinnar sig runt kvistarna och löven fastnar som fjärilar. Skälver som om de var på flykt mot större vidder. Snälla flyg mig iväg, snälla ta med mig. Dit.

Society. Where did it go.

Society. Where did it go. Where did it go lost. This world we have built, like an ego-burning pyramid. Where me and you, we stand there in the shallow water. With our legs sinking in the mud. Let us carry you. Let us change this, you and me together. The words are echoing but never landing. Who do we carry? Why do we build a planet on money. A shiny paper with colours and debt. Not depth. The profoundness we lost in the shallow paper. But the pyramid we built. On higher grounds.


I'm living on the edge of love and anger. Crawling back for pollutioned air. Swimming in brown wasted water. Can you see me, I whisper? Maybe my words aren't made of money and power. Maybe my being isn't perfect and loveble. Or maybe it's you, not being able to love what's beyond yourself.




we are strong in the crystallized forest

Flashing. I'm there alone under the tree. The silence embracing me, wrapping me up like a kid. You could be a wolf I say and look into your eyes. There were always a strength in your eyes. A strength of an older brother taking care of it's younger siblings. A strength I could trust.


I stroke your fur and told myself we can do this alone. We don't need no saving. We don't need no speaking. We don't need no help. We are strong in the crystallized forest.


It all changed. Your steps ceased. Your hind legs became paralyzed. I became paralyzed. My heart became paralyzed. We all sank to the bottom of the deep ocean. And never found surface.





Death is so hilarious

So when you lie there in agony, do you think that is the thoughts in mind? Now everything will be fine, life is beautiful. Joking to myself. This is so hilarious. Pain is so hilarious. My thoughts are so hilarious. Death is so hilarious.

Actually it is. Could it be more fun? Griefing in 15 years. Crying at the thought of you. Ah the pain. The pain couldn't be more fun to look at from this distance. Because my body makes it self. How could that even happen. But does it even matter How, or why. No. It doesn't matter anymore. It's time to let it go.

I did wake up, but did I regret it


When you stop being cared but it still hurts and you want to let it go. Go away. Move. Fly away in the sky just like the birds.


Pretending I know how to move my wings. Fluttering quickly like a hummingbird. Glancing down -loosing my balance and presence. Breathing shallow in my upper lungs. Prepared to sink down like a bird shot in the head. Prepared to die.



so separated but still one

Isn't that what you do for the ones you love. It's a balance. It's give and take. It's a part of the process where you don't give your ego full access. It's a drive where love makes you do things which makes you grow out from your old shoes.


It's like a tree you nurture, take in and give out energies from the other. You breath together like One. Together we are whole.







there is another earth where I belong

It's speechless. Silent. In surround system. My being is on the highest vibration, constant flowing around. There are words I can't express. Write or speak.


There is love I can't tell. Love that flows in this heart of mine. All without it's soul. Silent. Secretly.


Is it painful? In vain. Does it last longer than my sight or is it mist along the hillside. Does my heart make assumptions to make this whole. Does my heart make science fiction to make us coexist. Lasting but loving in a different level where words can't evolve.


A level of submission and admission where marks and bruises won't be seen. Where wounds are love and love are ecstasy. Up and down like the hills in the sunrise. The beauty of it all.




The earth was meant to hold your hand

When I lay there. When I lay wrapped in the arms of the world, facing the memories of my life. When I lay there.
Afloat by the love. The love which could sustain a life, like the flowers who mysteriously crawl up from the frosted ground. Budding in the love transformed sun. But I'm still drowned in the flooded river. Overwhelmed by the memories that will not last. 
The memories which buds in front of your bloodstained face. The memories which are barbarian torn up from mother earth. The earth that was meant to hold your hand.
When I lay there I can't decide whether to face the surface for air or lay down on the bipolar ground and decease.

Can you shake it off, just once for me?

Hur skulle jag kunna veta? Blinkar jag med ihopklistrade ögonfransar. Du rör vid mig men försvinner sedan ner i gläntan. Som om skogens vilda grepp tagit din hand och de sista ljusstålarna som når mig släcks. 
Då tar mörkrets vilda dans min hand. Roterar mig i en bana. Likt månens cirkulation runt jorden. Tappar greppet om min verklighet, glider in i dunklet mer och mer. Som om strålarna i gläntan blev avhuggna sin utväg. Aldrig att tränga ute mörkrets verklighet igen. 
Plötsligt släpper du min hand. Dansen lossar greppet och jag vaknar upp precis som en bebis inhalerar sitt första andetag. Lungorna expanderar med hela dess förmåga.
Du lever. Jag älskar dig, lämna mig aldrig.

electric twist

Am I watching? Are my eyes closed? Am I awake or sleeping? Am I alive? Stretching my arms in front of me. Breathing in my upper chest, fast. The air are touching my lungs so quickly I can't reach the oxygen. Suddenly my belly twist. 
The pain are bursting through my body. I can't breath. I can't breath. Bending my head backwards. Clenching my fists.
The intergalactic darkness are surrounding me. I'm alone. I can't breath. I'm in pain. I'm there. Screaming for help but nobody can hear me. Screaming for help but nobody can reach. Screaming for help but nobody can see
It's empty, Am I alive?


It's not a fairytale. Drinking the substance like it's water. This is not a fairytale the pictures in my head are whispering to me. There are no beautiful surroundings made of love and magic. There are no honesty and laughter. Drinking until the body burst. Because there is no other surviving option. 
Reaching out my hand saying Please save me. The saviour cut my throat and buried me in quicksand. Just sinking down to nowhere. Screaming out but there is no saviour. Because this is no fairytale.

you'll be first

Not anymore. Your words are echoing in my head. It's you. You'll be first. You'll be what I was before. You'll feel what I felt. You'll see what I saw. You'll be first.

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